Although
blended families are becoming more and more common, the unique difficulties
around forming a new family continue to be a challenges experience for all
involved.
Some common
concerns from the parents include: How do you validate your new partner and
your children without alienating the other? How do you create a bond with these
new children? And for the children, how do they begin to cope with this new
adult in their life while still trying to process the divorce? And… who are
these new kids living in their house?
Here are
some tips to support blending your family in a healthy and supportive way.
New Couple’s
Bond is the glue!
The complex
set of challenges ahead in blending a family requires a strong, united front.
Ensure communication remains, open, respectful and safe between you and your
partner. The commitment to maintaining a strong, healthy connection will
support the both of you in addressing whatever problems that show up along the
way.
Boundaries,
Boundaries, Boundaries
Those first
few months, and even years, will require boundary setting with people in your
extended network. Firstly, being clear with your previous spouse around your
needs and expectations will support the new relationships to formulate and
crystallize. Boundary clarification may also be needed for past family members,
friends and colleagues.
Additionally,
clear communication around the expectations of your new family members will
support initial anxiety as the family blends. For example, being open about how
affection will be shown between new family members can be helpful in creating
safety with one another. Boundaries between you and your partner may also be
needed around discipline and parenting conversations with biological and step
children.
Allow for
Grieving
The grieving
does not only happen for you and the end of your marriage. The grieving occurs
for your children as well around the loss of the past family unit. This
grieving may even extend to their prior home, extended family members, friends
and connections in that prior version of their life.
Reactions to
step-family formation is a response to insecurity of a family looking one way
and then suddenly looking different. Behaviors in children can show up as an
attempt to protect the fear of “will this happen again?”. The experience of
loss and need for grieving will be increased if the divorce is high conflict.
Find Support
You and your
partner want to ensure you have support around you that will ground you when
challenges are feeling tough or unmanageable. As the needs of each family
members are likely to increase during this transition, engaging in family
therapy can support the entire family system.
Family therapy for blended families allows the
space for a professional to support the competing needs of each family member
while normalizing the challenges of step-family formation. Additionally, the
family can create new patterns of communication and connection in a healthy and
intentional way.
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