What is the difference between Religion and Spirituality?

As we find ourselves amongst uncertain times, many of us have begun asking ourselves the deeper soul questions of life: Who am I? What do I want? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? Historically, people have turned to religion or spirituality to help address / find meaning to these difficult, yet prominent questions of life.

For many of us, the terms religion and spirituality have been used interchangeably in times past. However, there is a current trend among the younger generation to use the term, spiritual but not religious to describe personal faith practices.

This phrase insinuates that there must in fact be a difference between the two terms. With some help from the Chopra Center* and my own experience as a Spiritual Director**, let’s take a look at what these differences might look like.

In my experience in the realm of spiritual formation, the easiest way for me to sum up the difference between religion and spirituality is by using terms coined by Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr: transaction vs. transformation.

Religion falls into the transaction category as it often mirrors a well-run family business. Often institutionalized, religions are based on the life of a historical or archetypal figure who is the subject of worship, devotion, and practice of community.

Generally, a religious institution is run by some sort of governing board that holds its members to specific, moral rules, doctrines, laws, sacred scriptures, and practices; thus being more external in nature. Much like the family business example, religion is deeply rooted in tradition.

As a means of accomplishing accurate transmission throughout history, the organization often requires an unconditional belief in the religion’s teachings. Due to the sometimes rigid rules for belonging, religions can often be seen as having an undercurrent of fear and exclusivity.

I want to point out that while to some of us the transactions of religion may seem pretty black and white, many individuals find the rigidity of religion to be a comfort in the midst of life chaos and crisis. For these individuals, the commonality of belief and community can create a solid grounding amidst the unpredictability of life.

While many remain in the religious pocket, it has been my experience that others may move from religion to spirituality, or jump straight into spirituality without a religious base.

For some who begin in a religious circle, the demands of religious practice and belief can weigh heavy and they may at some point look for an option that allows for a bit more diversity and freedom. Some may call this process faith deconstruction.

While religion may focus its worship on the historic or archetypal figure, Spirituality focuses on the practical application of the founder’s teachings and thus has a much more internal approach than religion. As the “family business” side of religion can be seen with the naked eye, spirituality is not often seen, but internally experienced by the individual.

This experience is often a shift in awareness of a connection to something larger than you and includes a following of this inner call to Spirit which often leads to personal transformation of consciousness.

Many who call themselves spiritual enjoy the less-formulaic aspects of faith and trust the “pathless path” of mystery and self-discovery. Instead of an unconditional belief in religious teachings, spirituality lends itself to truths that evolve and expand, which is a more direct experience of the soul.

While the members of religion enjoy a more exclusive, tight-knit family system, those engaged in spirituality see all beings as family and favor inclusivity of everyone being on a path to awakening and support these paths with unconditional love and kindness.

Depending on where you are on your journey toward inner awakening, either religion or spirituality could be a good fit. Even the path of agnosticism and atheism can be practices of awakening and are sources of “push back” which can actually push you forward.

Wherever you find yourself on the journey of awakening, I would find it a personal honor to sit with you as a travel companion of sorts; pointing out the sights you may have overlooked, the bumps that have you stuck, and the road map your life is already laying out before you.

Four Tips for Successful Family Blending

 

Although blended families are becoming more and more common, the unique difficulties around forming a new family continue to be a challenges experience for all involved.

Some common concerns from the parents include: How do you validate your new partner and your children without alienating the other? How do you create a bond with these new children? And for the children, how do they begin to cope with this new adult in their life while still trying to process the divorce? And… who are these new kids living in their house?

Here are some tips to support blending your family in a healthy and supportive way.

New Couple’s Bond is the glue!

The complex set of challenges ahead in blending a family requires a strong, united front. Ensure communication remains, open, respectful and safe between you and your partner. The commitment to maintaining a strong, healthy connection will support the both of you in addressing whatever problems that show up along the way.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries

Those first few months, and even years, will require boundary setting with people in your extended network. Firstly, being clear with your previous spouse around your needs and expectations will support the new relationships to formulate and crystallize. Boundary clarification may also be needed for past family members, friends and colleagues.

Additionally, clear communication around the expectations of your new family members will support initial anxiety as the family blends. For example, being open about how affection will be shown between new family members can be helpful in creating safety with one another. Boundaries between you and your partner may also be needed around discipline and parenting conversations with biological and step children.

Allow for Grieving

The grieving does not only happen for you and the end of your marriage. The grieving occurs for your children as well around the loss of the past family unit. This grieving may even extend to their prior home, extended family members, friends and connections in that prior version of their life.

Reactions to step-family formation is a response to insecurity of a family looking one way and then suddenly looking different. Behaviors in children can show up as an attempt to protect the fear of “will this happen again?”. The experience of loss and need for grieving will be increased if the divorce is high conflict.

Find Support

You and your partner want to ensure you have support around you that will ground you when challenges are feeling tough or unmanageable. As the needs of each family members are likely to increase during this transition, engaging in family therapy can support the entire family system.

Family therapy for blended families allows the space for a professional to support the competing needs of each family member while normalizing the challenges of step-family formation. Additionally, the family can create new patterns of communication and connection in a healthy and intentional way.

Anxiety and Yoga Therapy

Are you a Pinball Wizard? Racing and bouncing daily between destination points: home, work, carpooling kids, grocery store, last-minute errands. Factor in groan-inducing hurdles like traffic, unexpected deadlines, a miscommunication with someone special, maybe a lost night’s sleep worrying about juggling details or staring at your phone checking emails…

Where does your self-care fit into the list?

We become conditioned to think a Netflix-binge or tunneling into social media allows an escape, but afterward did you find that true calm and grounding you were seeking? Still waiting to catch your breath?

Living in a culture dominated by multi-tasking, material distractions and compulsive screen time, it is easy to feel disconnected and overwhelmed. Many of us have lost the ability to sit in peaceful stillness and feel centered within in our body, mind, and breath.

Consistent and excessive stressors cause anxiety, which can affect the ability to pilot daily living. Forty million adults in the United States are affected by anxiety. Anxiety and stress take a toll on an individual’s ability to navigate the tightrope associated with maintaining life-work balance. Individuals with ongoing anxiety experience symptoms manifesting as restlessness, sleep disturbance, irritability, chronic headaches, muscle tension, gastrointestinal difficulties, depression, decreased receptiveness to new experiences, disconnection from social support systems, and/or a diminished sense of fulfillment.

With nearly one-fifth of the American population experiencing anxiety and related symptoms, the challenge of maintaining self-care practices and life balance is a very real experience.

Living with chronic anxiety, one’s mind and body struggle excessively to counterbalance stressors. Unable to claim grounding, the stress-response perpetuates. Chronic anxiety creates dysfunction in the body’s stress-response system preventing the mind and body from effectively returning to a state of calm. This imbalance in the nervous system has far-reaching effects on emotional regulation, cognitive function, and social relationships, as well as with proper functioning of the cardiovascular, respiratory, gastrointestinal, and immunological systems.

Yoga therapy can help. Research shows the yogic elements of breath, meditation/visualization, and mindful movement can address the ramifications of chronic anxiety. Benefits include re-balancing the nervous system’s stress-response cycle, neuroplasticity to retrain the brain how to respond in stressful moments, neuromuscular re-education to teach the body how to be strong yet flexible, and improving a sense of connectedness to self and social networks.

With practice, one can begin to recognize and reduce the symptoms associated with anxiety. Learn how to reset the mind, breath, and body to more calmly and intentionally respond in any given moment.

What to do together when school is out? Recommendations for Fairfax families

Schools are closed and daycare centers are enjoying well-deserved time off over the Holidays. Does this leave you wondering how you’ll spend the extra family time together? I’ve compiled a list of activities in the Fairfax area for people of all ages to enjoy! This list is a great resource for this long vacation, as well as upcoming snow days. These activities are sure to give your family quality time, outside of the home, sparking creativity and connection while beinqg active right in the Fairfax Community.

Children’s Science Center – Fairfax, Fair Oaks Mall

The Children’s Science Center in Fairfax’s Fair Oaks Mall is an interactive, collaborative learning center focused on science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) exhibits. Your family can create, build, discover, and explore the endless exhibits with various challenges and crafts throughout your visit. The Science Center is for ages 2 and above, focusing on elementary school kids. However, there is plenty to enjoy for younger teenagers as well! A family outing sure to create enjoyable memories around innovation and learning.

Udvar Hazy – Chantilly

Steven F. Udvar Hazy Center in Fairfax’s neighboring town of Chantilly is another great option for a family outing. The expansive warehouse gives the kids room to run and witness the various air crafts used throughout history. This hanger also includes airspace crafts, an IMAX theatre, and the Donald D. Engen Observation Tower to observe airplanes arriving and departing from Dulles Airport. This is a family favorite outing of mine for the Winter due to the indoor walking and exploring to move our bodies and exposure to history.

Next Stop Theatre – Herndon

If you are looking for some more culture in your family, but don’t have the budget or patience to venture out to DC. There is a great option for you much closer to Fairfax. Next Stop Theatre is a professional theatre company that prides itself on being unique and bringing culturally diverse stories and plays to its’ stage. Not only do they have show options for your older, more mature children, but they often feature a Family Event show that is accessible and enjoyable for your younger ones.

Fairfax Indoor Playgrounds

For those parents that simply need a place for your young children, toddlers or babies to be active, exercise their bodies and minds in a warm, kid-friendly, safe location, Fairfax has endless options. Below is a list of my favorite Indoor Playgrounds for children.

·         Jolly Yolly – Fairfax

·         Nook – Fairfax, Mosaic

·         Busy Bee’s – Fairfax Corner

·         Chuck E’ Cheese – Fairfax

Interested in Family Therapy in Fairfax?

If you and your family are wanting to feel more connected, change your relationship dynamics, or get support with parenting your child through a tough time, our teen and family therapists can help. We have counseling offices in both Woodbridge and Fairfax, VA. If you want to begin teen or family therapy just follow these simple steps:

·         Schedule an appointment at one of our convenient locations in Woodbridge or Fairfax.

·         Meet with a skilled family therapist.

·         Begin to explore new ways to parent and connect as a family.

Other Therapy Services at The Center for Connection, Healing and Change

Relationship problems are complicated and often individual members of your family need additional support. Our therapists want to help support your entire family. Therefore, we offer a wide range of mental health services in our Northern Virginia counseling offices. Our skilled, caring therapists provide counseling for individuals, EMDR, yoga for healing, meditation and mindfulness practice, couples therapy and marriage counseling. When you are ready, we would be honored to be a part of your relationship journey.

What to Expect from Teen and Family Counseling

If your family is considering initiating counseling for your teen, it might be that the level of distress or conflict in the home is high. As a parent, you do your best to provide everything you can for your children and still, they may struggle, or your relationship with one another feels challenging or distant.

It takes incredible courage to reach out for support when, in spite of your best intentions, you are seeing your teen struggle. It can be helpful to know what to expect from counseling and ease any worries or fears about the experience.

First, you can begin by looking through our ‘About Us’ page and seeing if there is a therapist whose profile page you resonate with. If you aren’t sure who might be a good fit, our Intake staff can thoughtfully match you with one of our trained and experienced therapists. The initial session will be between the therapist and parents. This is an important conversation to gather historical information around development, behavior, life stressors or transitions, and relational dynamics. It also gives you the opportunity to create a connection with your teen’s therapist, and collaborate on how therapy will be structured and how you share important information with one another.

The next few sessions will be with your teen and the therapist. This gives your teen and the therapist time to create mutual trust get to know one another. It also allows time for your therapist to understand your teen’s struggle and how these might be playing out in their behavior or in their relationships.

As counseling continues, sessions are structured to best meet the needs of you and your teen. Sessions may be with parents/caregivers individually, individual sessions with teens, the entire family, or with one parent and the teen. Structuring services to be responsive to the needs of each unique family allows us to focus on the multiple relationships between parents, siblings, and the family. It offers the opportunity to explore challenges, heal and strengthen connection, and create change together. At CCHC our goal is for each family member to feel seen, heard and understood.

Our evidence-based approach supports mutual understanding and growth, refraining from any finger-pointing at what parents “should be doing” or condemning a teen for their current behaviors.

Below is a list of the benefits of investing in teen and family therapy with CCHC.

• New and improved map for communicating 

Our therapists can support you and your teen in identifying what is not working in your current communication pattern. This allows for the co-creation of new and more effective ways of communicating with one another.

• Mutual understanding

Parents and teens can often feel as though they are living on different planets. Your priorities, needs, roles, and responsibilities are different. We will support you and your teen in understanding one another from a place of kindness, structure, and empathy…even if you do not agree. 

• New problem-solving skills 

With improved communication and a better understanding of one another’s perspective, moving through struggles together often starts to occur organically. However, if it does not, our therapists can support you and your teen in finding ways to address specific challenges and proactively problem-solve.

• Healthy balance of structure and nurture 

As your teen’s distress or symptoms have decreased and the family is feeling more connected, many families experience a better balance of quality time and enjoyment of each other alongside clearer expectations and adherence to boundaries or limits.

• Difficult conversations & deeper bonds 

At times, hearing a teen’s pain can ignite many feelings about who we are as parents. Our therapists are skilled in supporting your family in hearing one another in a manner that does not create more pain or disconnection. We also offer support to process what is shared with each other.  This creates an opportunity for healing old wounds and for your family resilience to flourish.  The therapeutic work you and your teen invest in can create sustainable change in your relationship lasting a lifetime.

Newborn Behavioral Observation

I am often asked what an NBO, or Newborn Behavioral Observation, is and why I do them. I was certified to practice the NBO in 2013 through the Brazelton Institute, and find it one of my most useful tools to use with new parents and their babies.

During the NBO I spend about 90 minutes with each family, though so many interesting topics come up we could easily spend more time if we had it. Usually Mom and/or Dad are present with the baby for the NBO, but any family member or caregiver can participate.

We start off by talking about what the family has already learned about the baby.  The NBO can be done at any time from birth to three months so the family may have had just those nine months before the baby was born to get to know him or her, or more time since birth.

The purpose of the NBO is to get to know what is unique about each baby. It is not an evaluation or a comparison to other babies or to what is “normal,” but a way to give each baby his or her own voice. Together we discover this baby’s preferences and vulnerabilities; this baby’s strengths and challenges. I explain what all infants experience when they leave the protected world of their mother’s body and emerge into a new world where they are bombarded with new stimuli and are learning every moment. With this general knowledge as a background, we look at how this baby has come into the world and how he or she is experiencing sensory stimuli.

There are eighteen structured observation items on the NBO for us to look at together. If we can start while the baby is asleep, we will look at his or her ability to protect sleep against visual and auditory stimuli. We’ll watch how the baby transitions from sleep to being awake, and at the baby’s own capacity and strategies for self-regulation. We’ll watch the baby’s body and facial expressions for clues about how he or she is handling things, and discuss how the baby’s parents or caregivers can support the baby where needed.

Throughout the NBO we’ll watch the baby’s skin color and movements for signs of stress, and together monitor the baby’s motor tone and activity level. We’ll talk about and listen to baby’s cry, what crying means, and what it feels like for both parent and baby. I will put on a glove and let the baby suck on my finger to see how the baby reacts to the new taste and feel, and also to see how strong the sucking response is. This often leads to conversations about how feeding is going and how the baby can be supported to have good breast- or bottle-feedings.

We also look at how the baby is prepared to interact in the social world. I will see if the baby is interested in tracking my red ball, and how she or he responds to my face and voice, and to the faces and voices of family members. We’ll see how baby responds when he or she hears a new sound nearby. Together, we’ll listen to what the baby has to tell us, sharing information with each other as we watch and interact.

In general, people seem to have an expectation that when babies are born they are all pretty similar.  I have found that nothing is further from the truth! From the moment of birth, every baby is his own special person, and it is so much fun to learn to watch for his individuality and help parents learn how to respond to best meet their baby’s needs. When parents start feeling as though they know and understand their babies, they feel more confident as parents, and the relationship is able to thrive. Learning to parent a new baby is a challenge, but the NBO provides tools to make the transition smoother for everyone.

Recently a couple called me for an NBO with their new baby. We had done an NBO with their first child two years ago. When I asked what the biggest thing they took away the first time was, they said, “Confidence!” They described feeling like they understood their baby better and had more insight to what he needed. Their second baby was very different from the first, and the second NBO gave us a lot of opportunities to learn new strategies that supported the new baby, and gave us all insight into how he is different, not just from his brother, but from every other baby. That’s a special feeling indeed!

http://www.thecenterforconnection.com

Divorce Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is an approach tailored to specifically work with couples in the process of considering the future of their relationship.   Approximately 30% of couples who enter into couples therapy are qualified as ‘mixed agenda’ couples, meaning there is one partner ‘leaning out’ of the relationship, considering moving forward with separation or divorce; the other ‘leaning in,’ meaning they are hoping to save and strengthen their relationship.   Of couples that are already proceeding forward with the divorce process, approximately 40% are deemed ‘mixed agenda’ couples.  This creates a difficult starting point for couples therapy and can often mean that couples counseling falls flat before it can get to the root cause of the problems between partners.

The average legal cost for divorce is $15,000.  Paired with emotional distress, impact on children, financial constraints, and the social implications, it is important to make an informed choice about this important relationship.  The goal of discernment counseling is to provide a structured, brief approach to ‘mixed agenda couples’, in which partners gain clarity and confidence on which path to choose.  Partners utilize sessions to explore their relationship history, emotional injuries, whether they believe their problems are solvable, the impacts on their life and children, their role in getting to this place in their marriage and their emotional needs.  The role of the therapist is as a facilitator and processor, utilizing a nonjudgmental stance in the room, and working with each partner to explore their own longings, needs, roles, and injuries in the relationships.  

We support clients to gain confidence in their decision to either move forward with couples therapy, divorce, or remain in the marriage.   Discernment Counseling can also be a helpful starting point for couples that are unsure if they want to commit to couples therapy.  Couples and therapists can often struggle to gain traction in session f they are feeling protective, ambivalent or lack clear goals.  Once a couple feels their issues are solvable and they want to make the transition to couple’s therapy, we provide referrals to couple’s therapists that are trained and skilled in your particular areas of need.

Separation and divorce are a huge transition for all parties involved.  Individual therapy offers support with: grieving the loss of the relationship and future plans; coping with distress, anger, depression, anxiety, financial constraints, and exploring the impact on how you view yourself.  

If couples decide to divorce, the focus shifts to providing support to the children.  Parents can utilize services to transition from a couple to co-parenting individuals.  We provide Co-Parenting and Family Therapy services to facilitate secure and stable family connections going forward. Research shows that children’s ability to cope with divorce tends to reflect and follow the parents’ ability to cope. Children look to their primary secure attachment figures in their life for guidance through distress.  Family Therapy can be an important tool in providing a safe space for partners as well as for children to explore their difficulties with navigating this new world. 

http://www.thecenterforconnection.com/